Maybe I’m coming late to the game, but I like to think of myself as someone with her finger on the pulse of the action.
Therefore, I just had to road test the iPhone app that promises to turn my new best friend into my new best friend with benefits.
I admit, I’m an iPhone addict. My iPhone is more powerful than my first Macintosh and more elegant than any communication device I’ve ever had. It lulls me to sleep with my favorite music and wakes me to cricket chirps. It lets me hold Rachel Maddow in the palm of my hand.
But I had heard there was even more – the promise of things to come.
A vibrator in my iPhone seemed like a natural fit. After all, good communication is the key to great sexual experiences, right?
So I downloaded iBrate Pro, the $0.99 app that promised to turn my iPhone into a throbbing, pulsing block of pleasure that would answer my emails, my phone calls, my text messages, my information jones, and now my every need.
iBrate instructed me to touch my own screen with my finger to unlock pleasure. I looked around to see who was watching, and laid my finger on the screen. It buzzed and pulsed lightly. I tried two fingers, it pulsed a little faster but the vibe didn’t get any stronger. While I hate to label myself a three-finger kind of girl, I was ready to slap my whole hand on there if it would make the little machine buzz any stronger than an incoming phone call from my mom. No such luck.
Just like the old ads suggested, I tried it on my neck. It itched. I tried it on my instep. It merely tickled.
In the world of power-induced thrills, this is definitely low power. Plus, once it’s buzzing away where it could do any good, you’ve lost your ability to read smut or watch porn at the same time to up the thrill quotient. Unless you’re a contortionist, that is.
The app is definitely a conversation starter. It’s the tactile answer to the old one-line joke about phone sex: “I’ll set mine on vibrate and you can call me over and over again.”
Other than sexual frustration, there’s another definite downside: The tiny little buzz seems to come with a battery drain, and in the world of hand-held devices, that’s the biggest buzz-kill of all.
Don’t be so…hysterical.
But clearly, the iPhone’s power would be as a way to wireless control a toy with a more beefy motor. Pair it with the bluetooth-enabled iEgg for hours of iFun.
This post reminds me of two other things, so pardon the tangents.
On phones and joy:
In “Keeping the Faith,” Jenna Elfman’s character sports a leg holster for her cell phone and has a great line, “You don’t understand. I have a relationship with my phone.” And then there’s this absolutely ridiculous deleted scene that plays on that.
On electronics that stimulate:
There was that Rez game that was released in Japan with a vibrating attachment. Awesomely hot things ensued.
Ryan, it sounds like the documentary The Technology of Orgasm would be right up your alley. And, of course, there are always these options for the neo-Luddites amongst us.
I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter. lol
you had me at “finger on the pulse of the action”.