Sex Positive Means a True Desire to Get Wet

Like most of the lesbians in the Bay Area, I’ve been known to check in on Craigslist’s “women seeking women” category now and then. In past years, I’ve answered some ads, joined in conversations, and I’ve met some nice women there (no, not for quick hooks-ups, thank you). I count some of them among my friends. But sometimes I read CL purely for the entertainment, because it offers a snap-shot of the circus that is our community.

About a year and a half ago, someone posted this question: “Can someone please tell me what ‘sex positive’ means?”

The woman I was dating at the time challenged me to write a response, and I did. It generated quite a bit of response and some lovely emails. Last week, cleaning out my computer files, I came across it and thought I would share it here:

What does “sex positive” mean?

Just like “sex” means something different to everyone, so does “sex positive”.

I can only tell you what it means to me, and hope that it helps to define a good part of the spectrum.

In my mind, “sex positive,” implies a comfort with sexuality. It doesn’t mean “horny” or “pan-sexual”.

“Sex positive” DOESN’T imply that a person has no preferences or boundaries of their own. It just means that they accept what’s out there without judgment, even when they choose not to participate.

It means someone is interested in sex, familiar with the range and variety of sexual activities and responses, and able to talk about sex. It also means that someone understands boundaries – their own and other’s – and is willing to discuss and respect them.

“Sex positive” also implies that someone LIKES sex and understands that it can be enjoyed guilt-free without moral or ethical hang-ups, within boundaries that are comfortable to the participating parties.

I think that “sex positive” also implies a comfort with bodies… understanding that people come in all sorts of sizes and shapes, with and without hair, tattoos, piercings, and with smooth and rough patches, and secretions and smells.

Being “sex positive” means an awareness of all the emotional differences that make up our sexuality, including the way we view and personalize gender.

And, finally, I think that a truly “sex positive” person finds sex to be a preferred activity and an area in their life open to growth and exploration.

That is to say, I’ve met women who were sexual and orgasmic, but kept a stronghold on their sexual responsiveness – limiting the amount of sex they had, or the type of sex (keeping it to their three favorite moves, for example), or the environment (in bed, lights off or as low as possible), or whatever – and while they were sexual, I wouldn’t consider them to be “sex positive”.

It’s like swimming: Some women want to wade into the pool, stand waist deep and cool off. They might want to splash a little water on their arms. Some women will jump into the pool with a big splash, but get out as quickly as possible.

The “swim positive” woman will love the way the pool smells and the way the water feels. She’ll won’t be afraid to read or see the current media about swimming. She’ll have words to describe what she likes about swimming and how the water feels on the different parts of her body. She’ll dive in and swim until she’s tired, sometimes floating, sometimes swimming laps, sometimes turning flips in the water. She’d never throw someone into the pool, or splash someone who doesn’t want to get wet.

*********************