As part of her 2011 Feel Good Challenge (I’m not sure what that is and I’m equally sure it doesn’t matter), Oprah referenced an article from her own O Magazine, “12 Simple Ways to Have Better Sex“. (Don’t bother clicking over. If you’re reading this blog, you can already think of 12 better ideas.)
Like most articles of this ilk in the mainstream press, “better sex” means heterocentric, man-pleasing sex. The kind women presumably have to work on getting in the mood for. (The kind I would really have to work to get in the mood for.)
It was item number 12 on the list that caught my eye:
Masturbate at least once this month. If there’s any one thing you can do to enjoy sex (aside from getting shipwrecked with an absolute heartthrob), this is it. “Have a glass of wine if you need help getting in the mood,” suggests Alice Domar, PhD, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women’s Health at Boston IVF and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School.
Oh. My. Goddess. How many more denigrating female myths can be perpetuated in one short paragraph?
Apparently the editors of O Magazine believe that women don’t have a regular urge to masturbate, have to loosen up with alcohol in order to touch themselves, and have no sexual agency, only responding to “heartthrob” partners. (I bet the O editors never pictured that “heartthrob” as a big ol’ butch dyke daddy.)
Of all of these, I think the most damaging embedded myth is that women’s sexual responsiveness is a gift from the right partner.
Oprah needs to have a little heart-to-heart with Gossip Girl teen star Taylor Momsen. Last July, Momsen created quite a stir when a reporter from Disorder magazine asked about her dating life:
She also grins when asked if she’s single, and replies that she is, that she’s not into guys, waits a beat, then adds she’s not gay but just bored of men and her best friend is her vibrator.
Hideously convoluted run-on sentence aside, the big scandal among teen-obsessed media quickly became then-16-year-old Momsen’s vibrator. Apparently it’s okay for a vice-presidential candidate’s 17-year-old to be pregnant, but not okay for another teen to pleasure herself.
In a recent interview with The Guardian, Momsen explains:
“I’m a promoter of masturbation,” she says loudly… “Don’t sleep around – learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful – particularly for girls and young girls.”
Out of the mouths of babes, Taylor Momsen!
Oprah needs to grow up sexually. I’ve written many times about the confused (and probably closeted) sexual image she puts forth. But her own image is one thing, perpetuating a reduced, restrained, male-dominated female sexuality is another. Oprah heads up a media empire. Women deserve better sexual information than the pallid view of female sexuality she’s serving up.
After all, O Magazine may come once a month, but women deserve their own Os with much more frequency than that.
Well put.
But I’d like to point something I found very intriguing, related to “the Nicky Blue affair”*. I was amazed by how the 21 years-old pornstar actually perpetuated the myth of virginity “on” her own body. I watched an interview after she was “deflowered” and she said the following:
“I’m so glad I don’t have an obstructive hymen in the way, and now I can experiment with toys, and tampons, and to be able to finally have sex.”
And she is a porn star who gets fucked in the ass. If she could not “touch herself”, if she did not gave herself permission to use a tampon (without first being penetrated by a male penis in order to get rid of her “obstructive hymen”), if that is the way *she* thinks, imagine the people who read Oprah’s magazine.
If they masturbate once a month, I have hopes for a better world.
*Here is a great article about the “affair” http://missmaggiemayhem.com/2011/01/12/virginity/
** You don’t have to publish my commentary, since it kinda deviates from the main subject. But I just wanted to share the thought.
Thanks for sharing your comments, Gabriela.
I don’t take Nicky Blue’s comments about her hymen and her newly granted ability to penetrate herself too seriously. After all, there was a dollar amount and a public relations team at Kink.com attached to her hymen. She needs to perpetuate the myth that there was some sort of solid cherry there to be busted, or the whole public deflowering project was, in itself, a bust.
When I was a little girl, just learning about these things, people actually believed that girls should be careful during certain activities, like horseback riding and gymnastics, so they didn’t accidentally break their own maidenheads. It was unsaid, but understood, that this would make them less valuable as young women. (Remember the fuss over Diana,the soon-to-be Princess of Wale’s hymen? The poor thing would have been better off keeping it to herself.) We actually thought there was some sort of major membrane sealing us up, like the head on a snare drum.
You’re right. Maybe I was just too impressed by the whole Nicki Blue thing. I should let it go. And buy myself a brand-new vibrator.
Excellent kicker.
“I bet the O editors never pictured that “heartthrob” as a big ol’ butch dyke daddy.”
I positively howled when I read that! Love it!
Oprah is in a unique position to change the sexual lives of countless women and yet she continually does them a disservice by going with what is safe and accepted with as the societal norm. It’s a shame.
I completely agree. Oprah has so much power in the trust and ears of people all across this country. Just think what she could do to support the acceptance of same-sex marriage, for example. Instead, she uses her big-ass pulpit to push genre novels, low-fat recipes, and missionary-style sex. I suppose this is because she’s genuinely afraid, and things like female sexual agency and same-sex lovin’ scare her to death. Oprah needs to come out and look around. It’s not as scary out here in the real world as she thinks, and she could do buckets of good with her influence, without spending a dime.